Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Hunger Games

I just said to my boss, "I gotta go see about a cookie."

I didn't intentionally quote Good Will Hunting - I really had to go see about a cookie because I wasn't sure if a cookie even existed at the dining hall, which is where I was going. It did, and it was peanut butter, and it was amazing, for the record.

Anyway, this all made me think about how, if my life were ever turned into a romantic comedy, it would be a long, drawn-out tale of my dramatic love affair with food, and the final scene would be me running through Chicago O'Hare airport to get a bag of Garretts Popcorn right before my flight departed. JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

I'm hungry, you guys. I'm sort of always hungry, actually. I started making smoothies for breakfast recently and everyone I have told has been like, "Don't they keep you full for so long?!" And I'm like, "What is 'full'?"

I always thought smoothies were kind of bullshit because I like to chew my food. Because I'm only 28 and I still have all my teeth and one day I will be forced to drink all my nutrients but today is not that day, so hand over a cookie! But for real, smoothies are actually pretty good. When followed by real food, at least.

So, yeah, hunger. Whenever I'm out with someone and they say, "Are you hungry? Do you want to eat?" I'm like, Yes, of course. I always want to eat. Who would say no to that? I guess people who, like, don't always feel hungry(???). Or people who think not eating is cool. I remember in college when I'd go out with a bunch of girl friends and they wouldn't order food because they, quote, "weren't hungry" and then when my meal arrived, they'd be like "mm can I just, like, have a bite?" Nope, fuck you, you're not hungry. That's what I would say.

I didn't bring enough food for lunch.  That's what this post is about.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

50 Shades of Starving

Confession: I saw 50 Shades of Grey... and it was precisely how I thought it would be. In fact, my preemptive review was spot on, so I don't have any more to say about it on the feminist front (you're welcome). I will say that it was entirely too long, but I feel that way about almost every movie. In general, the only reason I go to the movies is because someone asks me to, or because I want an excuse to drink a gallon of Diet Coke.


Anyway, overall, the sex was pretty tame, which could be because they wanted to be able to show the movie in mainstream theaters; but, nevertheless, if that's all I have to do to get someone to buy me a car and a laptop [and pay my student loans], then by all means, I'll sign a contract! Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Sort of.

When Anastasia revealed that she was a virgin, I exclaimed "jackpot!" because I couldn't hold back, because I had to combat that cliche somehow, because I came here to be entertained, god damn it. What the movie lacked (substance, plot, character development, quality), I made up for with my internal monologue: 
  • Why aren't they ever eating anything? So many delicious items gone to waste -- that perfect-looking muffin, surprise business meeting sushi. You guys are selfish and ungrateful and I'm starving!
  • Her laptop is broken, so he buys her a new one. Her car is old, so he buys her a new one. BUT SHE'S STILL USING A FUCKING FLIP PHONE, YOU GUYS.
  • If this was my fantasy put on film, Christian would be a lot hotter and probably more manly. Then  again, I guess he is only 27. 27 and a billionaire. WTF am I doing with my life?
  • What's happening to his accent? Is he Irish now? Is that part of the mystery? Are we going to find out his true nationality in part 3?
  • This dude is so boring, though. You're so rich, and you mostly just sit at home, listening to opera, pouring expensive wine AND NOT DRINKING IT? Next. 
  • The worst thing he'd ever do is not that bad, but that might be because they removed "anal fisting" from the contract. But wait a minute...  she never signed the contract! And he's still not fisting! I  guess Christian Grey is just a nice guy deep down. A nice guy with a dark past! What happened Christian? Just kidding, don't tell us. This movie is too long as it is. 
  • You guys, but why don't they eat anything? I guess you're never hungry if you're getting all your satisfaction in the red room. Next month's Cosmo's dieting tip will surely be, "Replace one meal a day with light bondage."
  • I didn't buy a big enough bag of popcorn for this.

Jokes aside, it really is a story about an abusive relationship, not even considering the sex parts. But on the bright side, the movie doesn't glorify this kind of relationship because it is so SO bad that the only thing one could take away from it is that it is so so bad. It's like the soft-core porn version of Sharknado. You watch it to laugh. And post on twitter.

target="_self">Making Melissa

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Winter of Discontent

Everyone in Boston is outrageously pissed about the weather. If you want to know how they feel, just stand in their general vicinity. Strangers will start complaining to you in the locker room about how terrible their lives are as the result of snow. Please, please stop talking to me A) because I don't care, B) because I don't know you, and C) because you're literally naked right now. Put on some clothes and go away from me.

I'm having an OK time this winter since I keep getting days off from work, have a pound of bacon in my fridge, and don't own a single thing of value that I would have to shovel out.  Enjoy your homes and cars, people! I'm sitting pretty in my managed apartment in rat city. Loves ya.

Now let's play a game:

Kill: Cupid... because he aint done shit for me.
Marry: Mother Nature... because it will literally shower you with attention.
F: The MBTA... because I always go for men who are unreliable and distant.

Your turn.