Monday, November 24, 2014


On Friday, Beyonce released her video for 7-11, and since then I've watched it no less* than 2 million times.


God, it's so amazing. I want to be her friend so badly. I want to dance in my underwear with her. I want to jump out of boxes next to Christmas trees. I want it all! IMAGINE IF YOU CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS WITH BEYONCE?!?!?!?

The point is, watch 7-11 on repeat until I tell you to stop.

Fresher than you.

Speaking of 7-11... when "Drunk In Love" first came out, I was convinced she said: "Park it in my lot, 7-11." But she does not. She says something in French, or something. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

[Verse 2: Beyoncé]

We be all night, and everything alright 
No complaints for my body, so fluorescent under these lights 
Boy, I'm drinking, walking in my l'assemblage

I'm rubbing on it, rub-rubbing
If you scared, call that reverend

What the fuck is l'assemblage? (Don't tell me to google this.)

I've been overtly wrong about lyrics many times. For example, for at least 20 years, I thought Alanis Morissette said, "Cross-eyed bear", not "Cross I bear", in "You Oughta Know". I totally envisioned her bitterly giving Uncle Joey an unfortunate looking teddy bear to get back at him for breaking up with her.   (Again, does anyone know what I'm talking about? Ever?) It was only this year that I learned the truth. So much of my life was a lie, you guys!

Apparently, I was not alone.

More recently, I fully believed Drake said, "I could $*%@ you so good then I hit you with the 9am McDonalds how you like". You can't even imagine how disappointed I was to find out he says "9 am to Dallas", not McDonalds. Fantasy destroyed.

Lastly, in the beginning of the Nintendo video game, Mario Party, there is a screen that just says "Nintendo" in bold letters, and in the background Mario yells the word, "Nintendo". (I'm just going to say "Nintendo" one more time for good measure.)  But the thing is, I thought Mario was yelling "Wingando" - just a nonsensical sound, I guess. And so every time I played the game with my friend, Chris, I would yell "WINGANDO" at the TV, until I was finally corrected. But, like, it said "Nintendo" on the screen, though.

Listening comprehension: not my strong suit.


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

How I feel about Crossfit

[Since I've probably already lost a bunch of readers on account of my previous post, what's a few more?]

Me: Whenever I see pictures of people doing heavy squats at Crossfit, all I can think of is their asshole literally falling out of their body. Do you know what I mean?
Friend: Yes, I know what you mean. But also, I think Crossfit is a cult.
Me: Probably because once everyone's asshole falls out, no one else will be friends with them.

Gone Girl (Warning: Contains only spoilers)

When Gone Girl came out in theaters, multiple people reached out to me to see if I had seen or read it because they thought that, as a feminist I'd hate it, or as a feminist I'd love it. I had not seen nor read it, but this conflict in opinions intrigued me and I love reading things that could lead to a hearty feminist rant. Luckily for you, Gone Girl did just that.

SPOILER ALERT: Everything I'm about to say is a spoiler. 

Gone Girl capitalizes on the age old tale of girl accuses boy of rape (and/or murder) because he hurt her and women are irrational and vindictive. I'm sure that this has happened before, but certainly not as often as rape culture would have you believe. What I hated most about this book was that it exploited this myth about sexual assault. This is a story about a mentally unstable individual. The problem is that this story has been projected onto too many victims of sexual assault, minimizing their experiences and disregarding their claims.

We're living in an age where every asshole on the internet thinks it's their responsibility to write critical analysis of every piece of entertainment (present!). They (we) can find a problem with everything. They (we) focus only on these negative aspects until everyone is exhausted and annoyed and no one wants to listen to them (us) anymore. So, is it just dramatic of me to criticize Gone Girl like this? Maybe. But you know why I am?  Because a woman sitting next to me on the plane looked over at me, noticed I was reading Gone Girl, and immediately said, "Everyone should read that book before they get married. Women are crazy." 

Blanket statement: Women are crazy. Now I don't know this person. She could be dumb idiot. But I wouldn't be surprised to hear that a large portion of people had the same reaction when they read this book because "women are crazy" is a cultural message we receive all the time. It's a message that perpetuates rape culture - it makes victims afraid to speak up and it allows perpetrators to get away with sexual assault. It makes people believe that 13 women would only accuse Bill Cosby of rape because they want to get something out of him. Because no one that nice would do such a thing to 13 different people. Because women are crazy.

Let me be clear, Gone Girl is not about women being crazy. It's about one specific woman with mental illness. But that's not the message we get. 

Monday, November 17, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

  • Who run the world? Knowles'.

  • You might be so busy while you're at a conference about student loans that you forget to pay your student loans.
  • My colleague reminded me that he follows me on snapchat, which makes me wonder if he's enjoying all the videos of my singing to my cat.
  • I give really helpful clues during Heads Up such as, "Daenerys has these, but they're real!" (Answer: dragonflies), and "I want to be one in my next life!" (Answer: seagull).
  • While I think all birds are despicably heinous, I also think it would be pretty cool to fly and eat fresh shellfish and french fries all day.
  • Sometimes I get so into games, I accidentally throw a glass against the floor.

  • I think I would do well in Japan on account of its cuisine and also its affinity for cats.
  • Did you know that in Japan there are pictures of cats on everything, even construction signs?
  • Cats are very important to the Japanese.
  • Japanese girls can get away with wearing cat accessories while I am explicitly SHUNNED if I do so.
  • This weekend I not only purchased a cat hat but also a little skirt with hearts all over it because fuck the man, am I right?

  • You can get a haircut at The Hair Cuttery for less than $20.
  • You can also listen to the hair dresser talk about her boyfriend who has never told her his real name or occupation and who may or may not be sleeping with her coworker because he messaged her on tinder.
  • He has hundreds of Gucci bags under his bed, you guys. HUNDREDS.
  • The hair dresser is dating a drug-dealer. 
  • I really, really love my friends. They are the best, and I am so lucky to have them. It's important to me to tell the world that every so often.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. If the woman sitting next to you on the plane won't get up so you can go to the bathroom, you'll have to climb over her, but at least she'll USE HER HANDS TO GUIDE YOU.
2. I've never heard more Michael Bolton in my life than during my three day stay at a Sandals resort.

3. When you go to a couples resort alone, every single male employee will hit on you.
4. Everyone else will say, "You're here alone? Just asking because this is a couples resort."
5. The ocean is really cool. Way cooler than space. There, I said it.
6. Sometimes you drink as much as everyone else and they are totally drunk, but you are totally fine, so you're like WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
7. I spent the majority of my sister's wedding reception hiding behind a table while everyone fed this huge ass M-F peacock. But, like, why would you do that, though?


8. Gone Girl is dumb. Stay tuned for more of my thoughts (and spoilers) on this topic.
9. Some people who get English Teaching degrees become professors and work at schools that send them to conferences in Jamaica.
10. I am going to a conference in Lowell this week, so.