Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Woes of Wooing

I've been dating a lot recently and while it's been a valuable learning experience, I'm totally exhausted. I know it's an obnoxious thing to complain about -- going on a lot of dates -- but I don't have the emotional capabilities to handle it.  When someone takes you out, there is always the expectation, or at least hope, that it will turn into something more. Whether that something more is a relationship or just sex, ultimately you have to decide if you want to take it to the next level. And that's why I hate dating. Listen, I've taken many courses in decision-making and it's still not my strong suit. And, as it turns out, neither is commitment.

The idea of not meeting someone's expectations and letting them down is overwhelming for me. Then again, there is always the small possibility that you'll go out and both of your expectations will be met and the sky will be filled with violins, so that's why I continue to say yes when someone pursues me. But I am oh so tired and my sky is fresh out of violins. I just want to wake up one day and be comfortably (fat) in a relationship.

Other reasons why dating sucks:

  • I feel like I'm always drunk. "Wanna get a drink sometime?" is the universal way of asking someone out. Now, I'm not criticizing that. I like to drink. And one time I went out for tea and was bored out of my M-F mind, but my body is taking a serious hit. It's really hard to maintain an attractive figure while also drinking beer every night. So basically what I'm saying is that my body is your fault.
  • I have very little free time. Sometimes I just want to eat pizza alone in my bed (refer to: my body is your fault), but I can't because I have to socialize so that I don't die alone. 
  • Shit's expensive. This mainly applies to guys, even in my Girl Power era. I (almost) always offer to pay for myself, but I think in all of my years of dating, only one person has ever taken me up on that. However, I feel super guilty when I end up telling a guy I don't want to continue dating him and then think about all the money he spent courting me. Like, you guys spend hundreds of dollars on people you don't even know! That's insane. If I had to pay for my dates, I wouldn't be able to afford to go on any. It's a classist system. That's why I've come up with an idea for an app that you can use to ask for a refund if things didn't go as planned. It could be called "Bad Date Rebate" (TM). I'm not sure how it would work because I don't understand technology (I still have iOS 6, you guys!), but I think it's a great idea. So, developers: please get on that shit and also give me a significant cut of any profits.

Now if you're one of those couples who met and immediately fell in love, then none of this applies to you. Your life is a Disney movie; you should go pitch that shit to Pixar. Seriously, get out of here.


  1. Excellent. Next stop...Cosmopolitan magazine blogger. Seriously, great writing. Quick, efficient, substantial, witty, entertaining. You got this!

  2. I don't understand why I'm not getting a blog/email recap of every single one of these dates. You know I live for that.


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