Thursday, February 27, 2014

52 Things

I've noticed this popping up on many of my favorite blogs, so I thought I'd join in on the self-absorption fun.
  1. I have absolutely no time to write this.
  2. I got a check minus on self-control and talking on every report card k-5.
  3. I lost my virginity on Friday the 13th.
  4. I get most of my self-esteem from social media. 
  5. Every night after dinner, I give a jar of peanut butter a rim job.
  6. I've spent a considerable amount of time trying to decide whether I like peanut butter or cheese more.
  7. I was bullied so badly in 6th grade I hardly ever went to school.
  8. I was a bully in 9th grade and I still regret it.
  9. My mom threw up on my dad on their first date. This gives me hope.
  10. I listen to ***Flawless every morning while I'm getting ready.
  11. I also just bought this bracelet.
  12. I need social interaction to feel alive.
  13. In 4th grade, I chased a kid into the woods and punched him the back because he broke my headband.
  14. Don't fuck with me, you guys.
  15. I daydream about my cat for at least 8 hours a day.
  16. I feel like a deadbeat mom because I'm hardly ever home and also often drunk.
  17. I have no tolerance for people who don't like Domino's or Beyonce. 
  18. Seriously though, Domino's pan pizza tastes like a cheesey, buttery dream. If you haven't had it, you're a fool and a liar and I don't really want to associate with you.
  19. I give zero fucks about Christmas.
  20. I have a secret plan to get a tattoo on my inner arm. You know, the part of the body that every woman hates. Check back with me in 10 years about my level of regret.
  21. A few years ago, I spent all of my free time learning how to cook and bake and pretending to clean because I truly wanted to be a housewife.
  22. I think what I really wanted was some kind of financial security.
  23. Pregnancy is my biggest fear.
  24. Every work day, I count down the seconds til 12 p.m., the time at which it is socially acceptable to eat lunch.
  25. We're really not up to 52 yet?
  26. I am a terrible listener. It's such an unattractive quality and I'm sorry.
  27. I created a hashtag for my cat last night. #famousbabis
  28. I was absolutely terrified of thunderstorms as a child. One time, during a particularly scary storm, I threw up and peed on my dad at the same time. 
  29. He obviously has a high tolerance for that (see #10).
  30. I seriously don't even try to be like Tina Fey, though she is my  hero.
  31. I am still eating candy every day. Everything I said about trying to quit was a LIE.
  32. I met Shaggy, as in Mr. Boombastic, at a Friendly's in Hyannis, MA.
  33. This.
  34. I resent the fact that everyone blogs now. 
  35. I go to an elitist gym that I can't afford.
  36. I buy at least one coffee every day.
  37. Part of my job is to teach people how to budget.
  38. I was the first person in my family to go to college. 
  39. I can't concentrate on one thing for more than 2 minutes.
  40. Is anyone still reading this?
  41. I seriously can't believe we're not at 52 yet.
  42. It's horrifying for me to think about how much time I spend on the internet (all of it).
  43. For the past year and a half I have had to take drugs to sleep.
  44. I haven't owned a car for almost 6 years and never want to again.
  45. I think I'd rather die than ever live in the suburbs.
  46. Every time I drink beer, I feel like shit, but I continue to do it anyway.
  47. This also applies to eating anything from Dunkin' Donuts.
  48. It has been extremely challenging to not start all of these sentences with "I".
  49. Fiction Writing is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken.
  50. You guys, this is almost over.
  51. I regret starting it.
  52. BYE.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Write about this.

Over the years, I've learned that there are two main reasons why guys ask me out:

1) Because I watch football and that somehow means we're soul mates.
2) They want me to blog about them.

First of all, my obsession with football is not cute, okay?  I scream, I cry, I tweet incessantly. You should be embarrassed of that shit. Plus, oddly enough, there's a lot more to me than sports. If you want to talk about football and then Jane Eyre, well then that's a different story.

As for number two, why would you want me to blog about you? Isn't that, like, invasive? Also, do you think I'm going to say something nice? Because the answer is probably no. (Related question: Have you ever actually read my blog?) Pretty much the only reason why I would write about you is if you did something weird, like ask me if I'm going to write about you while we're hooking up. So.  I'm assuming you wouldn't appreciate that.  I am not Taylor Swift, you guys. I don't know what love is! I generally avoid writing about the people I've dated out of the kindness of my heart, and because I don't think the world needs to know about my sex life.

...unless you're going to pay me for it.

Not the sex, the stories! This is getting confusing. To be clear, I'm not a prostitute.


What I'm trying to say is that I'm working on a book about my past dating experiences and if you're nice (or crazy) enough to get in it, then you can pay to read what I've written about you. Maybe that is kind of prositutey. Whatever. I need money, you guys!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Various names I call my cat.

Babis, booba, boobas, booby, bud, buddy, nug, nugget, bug, bugaboo, cherub, puppy, monkey, Boo.

He must be going through an identity crisis.

#1 Mom.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. "To Infinity and Beyonce" is definitely the best team name of all time.

2. Everyone has been caught looking at porn at some point in their lives.
3. Watching Cinemax After Dark was basically the only thing my friends and I did for fun in high school.
4. Our favorite movie was called Bikini-a-go-go.
5. We also hung out in the Wendy's parking lot, sometimes.
6. Yes, I have always been this cool.
7. If you don't have bean bags, beanie babies are an acceptable alternative for cornhole.

8. Why is it called cornhole, though?
9. Shake Shack is where love blossoms. I specifically did not order fries in an effort to be healthy (LOL), and some dude was like, "These are for you..." and I was like BE STILL MY HEART. Then I ate all of them and finished all of my friends', too.

10. People all over the country are concerned about where I'm going to live this summer and that makes me feel #blessed.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Woes of Wooing

I've been dating a lot recently and while it's been a valuable learning experience, I'm totally exhausted. I know it's an obnoxious thing to complain about -- going on a lot of dates -- but I don't have the emotional capabilities to handle it.  When someone takes you out, there is always the expectation, or at least hope, that it will turn into something more. Whether that something more is a relationship or just sex, ultimately you have to decide if you want to take it to the next level. And that's why I hate dating. Listen, I've taken many courses in decision-making and it's still not my strong suit. And, as it turns out, neither is commitment.

The idea of not meeting someone's expectations and letting them down is overwhelming for me. Then again, there is always the small possibility that you'll go out and both of your expectations will be met and the sky will be filled with violins, so that's why I continue to say yes when someone pursues me. But I am oh so tired and my sky is fresh out of violins. I just want to wake up one day and be comfortably (fat) in a relationship.

Other reasons why dating sucks:

  • I feel like I'm always drunk. "Wanna get a drink sometime?" is the universal way of asking someone out. Now, I'm not criticizing that. I like to drink. And one time I went out for tea and was bored out of my M-F mind, but my body is taking a serious hit. It's really hard to maintain an attractive figure while also drinking beer every night. So basically what I'm saying is that my body is your fault.
  • I have very little free time. Sometimes I just want to eat pizza alone in my bed (refer to: my body is your fault), but I can't because I have to socialize so that I don't die alone. 
  • Shit's expensive. This mainly applies to guys, even in my Girl Power era. I (almost) always offer to pay for myself, but I think in all of my years of dating, only one person has ever taken me up on that. However, I feel super guilty when I end up telling a guy I don't want to continue dating him and then think about all the money he spent courting me. Like, you guys spend hundreds of dollars on people you don't even know! That's insane. If I had to pay for my dates, I wouldn't be able to afford to go on any. It's a classist system. That's why I've come up with an idea for an app that you can use to ask for a refund if things didn't go as planned. It could be called "Bad Date Rebate" (TM). I'm not sure how it would work because I don't understand technology (I still have iOS 6, you guys!), but I think it's a great idea. So, developers: please get on that shit and also give me a significant cut of any profits.

Now if you're one of those couples who met and immediately fell in love, then none of this applies to you. Your life is a Disney movie; you should go pitch that shit to Pixar. Seriously, get out of here.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. Get all your single friends together, add liquor and board games, and you'll almost definitely have the best Valentine's Day.

2. Jenga is the most stressful game I've ever played.

3. The major difference between men over thirty and men under thirty is a top sheet.
4. Men under 30 don't even know what a top sheet is.
5.  I think I might have to put my search for a roommate on hold.

6. The plus side to not owning anything is that your taxes take about 45 seconds to complete.
7. Uber is a great way to get around town and also to learn about a stranger's entire medical history.
8. I really hope that guy figures out his sciatic nerve problems.
9. I can't remember that last time I wore pants on a Sunday. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day

For the record, I'll be giving up my no-candy rule tonight. And maybe that's not all I'll be giving up....

Just kidding.  Obviously ^.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Candy Addiction Update

Day 1: My coffee intake increased by 100%. I also purchased a box of granola bars with chocolate chips in them. #LoopHole

Day 2: I ate a Girl Scout cookie -- technically it doesn't count, but technically it does.

Day 3: My coworker just put a box of Oreos on the counter. I have determined cookies of any kind do not count as candy, so it's all good.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Intervention! Intervention!

Hi, my name is Katie Qué, and I'm addicted to candy.

Seriously, though, it  dawned on me last week that I have a serious problem when I desperately searched for someone who could break my $20 just so that I could get M&Ms out of the vending machine. It took literally four people but I got my singles and also my fix.

I eat candy every day. Every. Day. That is fucking disgusting. I don't know when it started or why I let it continue, but it's certainly a problem. I was telling my friend that I think I need an intervention and she said, "At least it's not heroin." But, isn't it just as bad? If this keeps up, I'm almost definitely going to die of diabetes. It might take longer than a drug overdose but the result is the same: DEATH.

So, today I'm trying to go the whole day without having a piece of candy. Just one day. And trust me, it's been a challenge. So far, my caffeine intake has doubled because, as all addicts know, the key to beating addiction is by replacing one vice for another. This must be why there are always so many sketchy people at Starbucks.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if applicable).

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Biggest Loser

I've been seeing a personal trainer for the past few months, which is one of the best (and most expensive) things I've ever done for myself. Together, we focus on core strength, functional exercise, and fitness. He's never measured my body fat or told me to start juicing. And, for the first time in my life, I actually feel like a strong person.  It's pretty amazing.

The other night, during an exceptionally hard workout that involved these, I told my trainer that I felt like I was on The Biggest Loser. He was a little offended, and I understand why; in fact, I immediately regretted my comment and apologized.  I've only seen one episode of The Biggest Loser, but it was enough for me to confirm that it is a despicable show. It does nothing to teach its contestants how to develop healthy habits and positive body image. Instead, it is two hours of fat shaming.

In the one episode I watched, they put all of the overweight people into a room DECORATED WITH DONUTS, to, of course, emphasize how fat people are slobs with no self-control. YET, the challenge was to eat the most donuts. Because if you ate the most donuts, you got to go to the gym more often. WHAT? This is seriously what happened on the show, you guys.

So, my question is, why are we surprised that a contestant would develop unhealthy eating habits, would lose too much weight, or would gain it all back? The Biggest Loser tells you that if you're fat, you are a loser, and you should do everything you can, as quickly as possible, to become thin and to win. And America eats that shit up (pun intended). It makes us feel good about ourselves, right? But no actual good comes of it. Not for the people on the show, or the people watching*.

*Take it from someone who watches Teen Mom.