Friday, August 30, 2013

For your health.

Hey, guys. I don't really have anything to say today except that it is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL that you watch this video.

Have a nice, long weekend.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

No hope with dope.

Reggae and hip-hop were a large part of my childhood/adolescence. Did you guys know this about me? I used to be a lot cooler than I am now. Scratch that. I used to think I was a lot cooler than I actually was.


So, on that note, my dad and I are going to see Damian and Stephen Marley at the House of Blues in Boston tonight. If you haven't heard, the HOB was closed last night because some kids overdosed on E. Or was it molly? Or are those two things the same? I can't keep up. So many drugs, so little time. Anyway, I was a little concerned that the show would be cancelled, but luckily, the HOB reopened, so my dad and I can go jam. That's right, I said jam. 

The point is, this is why people shouldn't do drugs. Not because they might die, but because they might ruin a concert for me. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Is it true that everyone is on Tinder except me? Or at least every single person? Or at least every non-committal person? It seems like the perfect app for the Anthony Weiners of the world.

I did some research (because instead of trying online "dating", I read articles about it), and have confirmed that Tinder is as gross as I assumed it would be.

For those of you who are unaware, Tinder is a "dating" app that allows you to find "single" people in your immediate area with whom you can "meet up" (all of those quotations are there for good reason). Essentially, users scroll through profiles and "like or dismiss" people based on their photos, and then they are notified when someone likes them back. I imagine it's similar to picking up the prostitute you think is the most attractive, but less expensive. So romantic!

Hey, it works for some people.

I feel like I'm probably offending a lot of people right now, since "everyone is on Tinder". And good for you, everyone. Do your thang. Get yours. (Someone should.) But only if that's actually what you want because I can only assume that there are two reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder:
  1. to get laid
  2. because they have low self-esteem
And I only assume that because those are the only reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder. In fact, according to this Huffington Post article, Tinder "works for women" because it gives them an ego boost. And I get it. I get the need for an ego boost in the age of Facebook where everyone is constantly trying to prove that their life is better than yours by way of photos and status updates, in a world where there are literally hundreds of messages aimed at you every day saying you're not young enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough (or too smart). But how is using something as superficial as Tinder helping that? Doesn't it just reaffirm the idea that the way you look is the most valuable (or least, depending) of your attributes?

Come on, ladies, LEAN IN.*

You probably didn't think I was going to get this serious about Tinder. I'm just depressed that this is what "dating" has become (and terrified that I might have to succumb to it one day). Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of getting drunk at a bar? Let's go back to that.

*Probably doesn't apply here, but it felt right.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Things I learned this weekend

1. Getting caught in a sailing race while in a kayak feels like the aquatic version of the stampede scene in the Lion King.

2. Don't ever wear salmon colored shorts to kayak unless you want everyone to think you peed your pants.
3. Speaking of clothing, make sure you're wearing your pants on right-side-in before you meet with your personal trainer.
4. Having a personal trainer is a great way to feel healthy and also poor.
5. This is a thing that exists:

Goblin Shark

6. Going to happy hour alone is a good way to demonstrate that you're an independent woman. Beyoncé drinks alone, right? 
7. My roommate and I are on the same page even when we're at different grocery stores.

8. The *NSYNC reunion was underwhelming, but at least they eventually turned on JC's mic.
9. Justin Timberlake needs a break and/or vocal therapy. He could also benefit from a humbling experience, but not the kind that involves homeless people congratulating him.

Never forget.

10. Someone should tell Miley that public masturbation is illegal. 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

6 Things About Me That You Probably Don't Care About.

Since I have no inspiration these days (you may recall I posted this as a representation of my current state the other day), I've decided to do one of those questionnaire things that used to go around Facebook (remember notes?!) but now go around the blogging "world" because everyone is bored, essentially.  So here it is: 

"6 Things About Me (that you probably don't care about but  I needed to post something so that I could say that I posted something)."

1. If you could pick up and move anywhere for 6 months, where would it be?
Probably Africa because I've always wanted to save poor kids. But I also don't want to dedicate more than 6 months of my life to them.

2. How long have you known your best friend?
I don't like this question. I have a lot of best friends. But I guess that's technically impossible considering the definition of "best". Whatever. I've known most of my friends for a very long time, some of them over 20 years (gross!). They've seen me through thick and thin. Literally, though. Did you guys know I used to be fat? 

3. What's your number one item on your Christmas list this year?
I don't like this question either. It's racist. Or ethnist? Either way, I don't have a Christmas list; I'm fucking 27 years old. If you're making a Christmas list at 27, you need to reevaluate your life, okay? Also, I prefer latkes. 

4. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Raising the most beautiful cat in the world. 

Secondarily, being a first-generation college graduate. And I'm white! Take that, statistics.

5. What did you do last Friday night?
I made magic cookie bars and went to bed at 9:30, but only because I was waking up at 5:30 am the next day to float down the Saco with 20 of my friends and 6 coolers of beer. However, two Fridays ago I ordered cheesy bread and stayed up til 3 in the morning watching Jane Eyre. Alone. 

6. How has blogging benefited your life?

Um, well, apparently some guy in NYC has imaginary sex with me now. So that's something. 

Monday, August 12, 2013


In lieu of a Things I learned this weekend, I'm just going to review the JT/JZ concert I went to this weekend. Did you guys know I went to that? I only posted about it on Facebook and Twitter like 100 times just so that everyone would know that my life was most likely better than theirs. So, hope you caught that.

As I'm sure you would expect, the show was INCREDIBLE. I felt so many emotions. I spent the majority of the concert trying not to pee my pants out of excitement (and also because I drank a lot of beer). However, I am going to make a controversial statement and say that I would have liked the show just as much if JT didn't even show up. I'M SORRY, EVERYONE. Jay-Z was off the chain. (Does going to a Jay-Z concert entitle me to use that phrase? I hope so.)  Seriously though, so M-F good. And I finally got to live out some of my teenage dreams. For those of you who don't know, I started listening to Jay-Z in middle school, during which I also had cornrows and wore Allen Iverson's number on a necklace, so. That's not even a joke, you guys.


Anyway, not only did it become apparent that I care way more about Jay-Z's music than I do Justin's, but I also realized that Jay-Z is a much better performer. Justin made the crowd sing at least half of all of his songs, and I was like, um, isn't this what I'm paying you for? Also, not that Jay-Z is humble or anything (best rapper alive!), but Justin's ego took over too many times when he looked expectantly at the crowd for adoration. This was usually during the times that we were singing his songs. Is there any way I can get a cut of his profits?

Another high quality photo.

Of course, the Boston Marathon cast a dark shadow over the show, as it has over all of Boston since April. Both Jay-Z and Justin paid their respects, so to speak, but it felt weird. Call me cynical (because I am), but there is something very disingenuous about a pop star calling out "Boston Strong" and girls everywhere swooning. And when Jay-Z performed "Heart Of The City," all I could think of was how the marathon bomber tweeted its lyrics right after attacking our city. So, that was a bummer.

An attempt at artistic photography. 

But, despite all this (because so far I mostly sound like a whiny bitch), the show was fantastic. And perhaps the only reason why I was so jaded by Justin is because I've seen him multiple times. Because not only did I have cornrows in middle school, I also wallpapered my room with 'N Sync pictures.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Things I learned this weekend

1. I'm capable of giving 2 speeches in one day without planning either of them.
2. I cried for about a solid hour during my friends' wedding ceremony. I never knew I had so many feelings.

Amanda + Caroline

3. I had a strong influence on Caroline's little sister, Anna, who told me I instilled 2 important lessons in her:
a) do crunches and play sports in high school
b) go for Jewish boys 
4. Of all the lessons I could have taught a little girl, that's the best I could come up with?
5. Anyone who went to high school with me will understand the irony (read: hypocrisy) in lesson A.

6. Despite my "wisdom", Anna grew up into a beautiful dancer who drives now and makes me feel approximately 100 years old.
7. She also says things like this: "So, are you just going to be single your whole life?"

Literally, though.

8. Someone on the Cape has West Nile, so I'm pretty sure I also have West Nile.
9. Twerking is a dance move.

10. I am never more aware of how white I am than when I'm on a dance floor.