Friday, May 31, 2013

I went to Bermuda...

kind of a while ago at this point, but I've been so damn busy hanging out with Oprah and such. So yeah.  But in case you were wondering how my cruise to Bermuda was, here's a little recap:

I started every day at the gym. I know, I'm shocked too, but it happened.


Don't worry, though, because afterwords I would eat two breakfasts. The thing about cruise food is that it's not spectacular. In fact, it's marginal at best. But what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in quantity. What cruise food has going for it is its abundance and availability. I'm pretty sure bacon was available 24 hours a day and I think that because I had it at almost every meal, which means like 4 times a day since I had two breakfasts. So, you can imagine how I felt when I returned to civilization and read this:

Processed Meat Declared Too Dangerous for Human Consumption

But also, I'm wondering how many times the health industry is going to *shock* us with news like this.

Anyway, after breakfast(s), I'd sit by the pool and read Tina Fey's book, which made me laugh out loud every paragraph and feel evermore grateful that so many people compare me to her.We do have a lot in common, though. And by that I mean, we both wear glasses and have a lot of gay friends. We also suffer from self-inflicted anxiety and chin acne. Twins!

I'd also do a lot of people watching, which gave me a confidence boost since, comparatively, I was more attractive than 90% of the people on the cruise.  Most people were over 45 and overweight.  However, because I'm terrified of the sun and always cold even in the tropics, I spent a lot of the time wearing a long sleeve shirt and/or wrapped in a towel. Therefore, very few people got to experience my (relatively speaking) hot bod. Sorry, folks.

(incredible cinematography)

Overall, I'm not quite sure cruises are my cup of tea. I, of course, felt sea-sick most of time and ended up spending $20 on various motion sickness remedies, including these really cool sweatbands:

I also would have enjoyed spending more of my time here:

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Things I learned this weekend: Boston Calling Edition

1. It's hard to pee in a poncho.

2. In my old age (and short stature) I no longer care about seeing anything at a concert. Listening is enough. In fact, I spend a lot of the time with my eyes closed.
3. I am old and/or bitter. During The Shins, everyone around me was talking, and some kid behind me said, "Who the fuck is playing right now?" How are you at this festival and don't know who The Shins are? Did you seriously spend $120 to see Fun.? I kind of hate you.
4. Speaking of Fun., I give not one single fuck. There I said it. I know I sound like a pretentious asshole right now, but that's only because I'm a pretentious asshole:

DP = Dirty Projectors

5. To the really cool girl in the really cool bomber jacket who stood on a trashcan during Andrew Bird and screamed at everyone behind her to "Go fuck off!": I can tell by your calm demeanor that you truly value Andrew Bird's music and that is why you were entitled to block everyone's view. I can't believe so many people asked you to get down! How dare they! Good for you for standing up for yourself by aggressively insulting everyone around you while Andrew Bird played the violin.

So hip!

6. Speaking of being hip, here's a picture of me putting my nose ring in a bowl of salt water:

7. The best way to keep warm at a music festival is by doing step aerobics. On that note, I apologize to the 7-10 people I bumped into while jazzercising.
8. Don't eat the chicken fingers.
9. Women will sacrifice all levels of comfort in the name of "fashion." For example, they'll wear high-heeled sneakers to stand on 200-year-old brick for 8 hours, or shorts/dresses/jumpers/things without sleeves or pants in 40 degree weather.
10. I wish all music festivals started at 1 pm and were 20 minutes from my house, so here's some good news:

Friday, May 24, 2013

Things I learned this weekend: Bermuda Edition

1. A fish sandwich in Bermuda costs $16.00.
2. I cannot drive a moped. In fact, I probably can't even ride a bike at this point. I can, however, ride on the back of a moped quite well -- I can help guide the driver by saying things like, "Speed bump up ahead." or "Sorry. I wasn't paying attention."

3. I excel at sitting in one place for hours.

4.  I get sea sick. Of course.
5. Pina coladas are fucking gross. Why do people like them? They taste like sunblock, or as my friend Kyle would say, "island crotch wipe."
6. I love cats.
Cat in cave.
7. And my cat might actually love me, too.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Summer Reading

Now that I'm about done with school, and I'm going on a cruise on Friday, and summer is around the corner, I'm working on my to-read list. 

First up is Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I actually started reading for pleasure mid-semester but couldn't get through because a) I didn't have time to read for pleasure, duh, and b) call me racist, but I struggle with Ebonics.

After that, I'm going to read Tina Fey's Bossypants and Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) because they are both my idols and I hope their books will teach me how to become them.

Then what? You tell me.

And, in case you're looking for something to read, here are my recommendations:

1. The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood
How many times can I say it? This is quite possibly my favorite book of all time. I don't know that I can actually make that kind of declaration, but it really is a fantastic book. For those of you who like dystopain literature, like The Hunger Games, except actually well-written, then this is for you. Also if you're a feminist equalist.  Also if you live near Harvard Square because it's set there. Did I just ruin that for you? Whatever, just read it, ok?

2. The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingslover
For people who love Africa and the Bible. And you should love the Bible, by the way. Not because of like, Christianity or whatever, but because it is so sexy and magical. Which, if you know anything about me...

Sexual magic.

Don't bother with The New Testament, though -- total snooozefest.  

3. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll 
I don't think any other story has resonated with me quite like this one. I even have an Alice-inspired tattoo. Alice 4-L. Anyway, I'm guessing most people already know the story because of the Disney movie, or Tim Burton's, which was atrocious and RUINED MY CHILDHOOD, but it's worth reading. It's not long and it's written for kids, so you have no excuse. [Editor's note: If anyone dares to leave a comment about drugs or pedophilia, know that I will absolutely send you a howler. You've been warned.]

4. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
This is about women getting their periods and having babies - FUCKING NASTY. But for some reason, I actually loved it.

5. Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, by Jeannette Winterson
I read this novella about a month ago and loved it. It's a coming-of-age tale (which I obviously love, probably because I'm 26 and still don't feel "of-age"). It's also a bit feminist, and a bit biblical. See a theme here?

And for something different:

6. The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, by MT Anderson
I'm including this on the list since young adult fiction is SO HOT RIGHT NOW (except that this was written in 2006). This is for people who like history, or Boston, or "freedom," or Africa again. And, if you're interested, I have a lesson plan to go along with the book, which I created that one time I thought I was going to be an English teacher.

7. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris
This will make you laugh out loud, as in LOL. It's my favorite of all his books, though I haven't yet read his latest, Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls. It's on my list, however.

My final recommendation is to not waste your time reading The Great Gatsby AGAIN so that you can see the movie. You've already read it. Read something else. You'll still be able to understand the movie, I promise. Hint:  

But if you haven't already read it, then you totally should. You should also make sure your high school diploma is actually valid.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Things I learned this weekend: Volume 4

1. Daenerys is like a smaller, cuter Abraham Lincoln. With dragons.
2. I am totally [platonically] in love with Lady Lamb and the Beekeeper:

3. I actually really suck at Big Buck Hunter. This is a very sad realization because I was once a HUNTER HERO.
4. If you see The Great Gatsby on opening night, you'll be surrounded by people who think they are literary geniuses for having read the book in 9th grade and so they are entitled to talk, clap, and laugh throughout the entire movie. You people are the only thing I didn't like about my major.

5. Don't ever forget to close your tab, especially if you live on the other side of the city and don't have a car.
6. Probably don't ever open a tab again, ok?
7. 20-25% of women in college are sexually assaulted before graduation.
8. They are often blamed by their peers.
9. We can change that:

10. And that sums up my final paper, which concludes my academic career*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*until further notice

Monday, May 6, 2013

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

This post is for my internet friend turned IRL friend, Katie, who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 and a 1/2 years and needs some encouragement. Katie - I have succumbed to Thought Catalog "journalism" for you. You're welcome.

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady
(Or, "Katie Qué's 12-Step Program")

Step 1: Put on Beyonce.

Step 2: Buy a cat.

Step 3: Go home after work, put on sweatpants, eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with your fingers. Get peanut butter all over said sweatpants. Look down at them and say, "IDGAF" because no one is there to look at and/or judge you.

Step 4: Go out. A lot. You're young. Who cares if people think you have a drinking problem? How can drinking ever even be a problem anyway?

Step 5: Whiskey.

Step 6: Make friends with everyone you meet (step 5 helps with this). At least at first. You can determine later whether or not they're actually cool, but in the mean time, acquire as many allies as possible. (Note: you should really focus on acquiring single allies. This is key.)

Step 7: If steps 4 and 6 are not your cup of tea, then live your life on the internet. Actually, even if they are your cup of tea, live your life on the internet. You might find that people like you more there. You might even find that people you have never met have imaginary sex with you. This could make you feel scared OR it could make you feel flattered because imaginary sex is probably the only kind of sex you're having these days. (SRY.)

Step 8: This. (NSFW)

Step 9: Take some classes. Maybe don't go back to grad school when you're working full-time because how would that ever be enjoyable? But maybe take something like improv or yoga or Spanish or this:

Step 10: Read The Handmaid's Tale. Right now. In fact, this should really be Step 1, but I'm too lazy to start over.

Step 11: "Find yourself."

Step 12: And last, but certainly not least:

Things I learned this weekend: Volume 3

I think this will now be a weekly post, since I have nothing else to write about these days.

1. Ygritte (thank you, Kim) is a stage 5 clinger.
2. If you were ever in a sorority, and/or live with someone who was in a sorority, you will have accessories on hand should you decide to go to an impromptu Gatsby social.

I don't know how to make a normal face in a selfie.

3. Silver Linings Playbook is about how one person's ridiculous sports superstitions can affect everyone around them. So, I'm sorry about that.
4. Not going out on a Friday means that you will wake up refreshed, go to the gym, do laundry, write an entire paper, and feel human on a Saturday. Who knew?
5. Put the peanut butter inside the Oreo, not on top. DUH.


6. Ordering 12 plates of Chinese food the week before will teach you a valuable lesson that can be applied to any and all ethnic food. For instance, although you may feel like you need 4 orders of naan, you do not, so don't order them.
7. Note: this rule does not apply to margaritas Mexican food, which I don't think can even be considered ethnic anymore anyway.
8. Speaking of ethnic, you're never too old to celebrate your quinceanera.

Feliz cumpleaños a Meredith.

9. My life very obviously revolves around food, specifically peanut butter and Oreos.

and most importantly:

10. BOO IS FAMOUS: click.