Thursday, April 11, 2013

Speed Dating

I went speed-dating the other night. It was as bad as it sounds. Or maybe not that bad.  It was actually surprisingly boring yet exhausting. I felt like I should have gotten a job or at least a check at the end of the night. Interestingly enough, there are waiting lists for this kind of shit, which means there are many many people out there who truly believe they will meet someone through speed-dating. I think that is probably their biggest problem, but who am I to judge? My major concern during the evening was that the waitress never came to my table.

To prepare myself, I reviewed the website, which advised the women to come early for a "complimentary makeover." This sentence made me want to die a little and so I intentionally did not go early in the hopes that I could avoid being objectified by a "certified cosmetologist." Turned out, though, that the event was actually horribly organized and there was no such cosmetologist present. There was also no explanation about what you were supposed to do. Luckily, I'm a fast learner and discovered quickly that all speed-dating really entails is having the same conversation 17-20 times. Then, if you are interested in someone, you write down his name and number on a piece of paper and give it to a receptionist. And please note that by number, I don't mean phone number, but more like how you would label cattle. ROMANCE.

Despite the fact that I was 100% dreading it, I went into the night feeling confident since a) I didn't actually give a shit and b) people usually like me initially. Initially being the operative word here. Statistics show that my novelty wears off somewhere between 3-5 weeks. So, it seemed like rapid-fire dating would come naturally to me. Then again, I didn't drink much beforehand and statistics also show that people typically ask me out when I'm totally drunk at a party. And then I make them repeat everything they told me at that party on our first date because I was too drunk to remember. It's possible that could have something to do with the whole 3-5 week thing.

Anyway, speed dating was like multicultural night for the socially awkward. I think everyone there worked in IT exclusively. Those people need a support group or something. I'm also pretty sure that I was the least accomplished person in the room. Most of the people I talked to were at least 30 and living in the suburbs in houses they OWN, and I was all like, "Yeah, I live in a basement, so."

One guy asked me what my greatest passion was (he must have googled, "questions to ask while speed dating"), to which I responded, "Eating." This actually led to the most interesting conversation of the night, involving a discussion  about exotics meats.  On that note, have you guys heard of the lion craze happening in Illinois right now? Lion. Like, the king of the jungle. I feel like that's unethical. Then again, I can't say I wouldn't try it, since, you know, YOLO or whatever.

Needless to say, I didn't find my soul-mate through speed dating, but at least I can now cross it off my list of things I don't want to do but will do anyway.


  1. I mean speed dating seems horrible but EATING LIONS!? I would totally do it if Simba was already in burger form but that's kinda fucked

  2. Katie Que, Party of 1 - I'll have the Mufasa Burger, NO CHEESE. Scar likes cheese and I don't want to be reminded of that mother fucker's insubordination. Fuck cheese.

    JK. Katie loves cheese.

  3. This is what I want all of your blog posts to be. Trying things on dates and in bed so the rest of us don't have to.


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