Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Animals Vs. Babies

People always want me to look at pictures of babies they know or have and it makes me really uncomfortable. Babies don't really do it for me. So, when you show me a picture of a baby you care about, you're not going to get the reaction you want. In fact, you'll probably get no reaction at all. And then you'll say something like, "Come on, how can you not think that's cute?" And I'll say: "very easily." I just don't care about babies, you guys. I just don't care.


I was recently called a hypocrite because I'm always showing people pictures of my cat and asking for reaffirmation that he's good looking. But, the major difference between my cat and babies is that my cat is absolutely, 100%, without-a-question one of the best looking creatures on this earth. You can't really say that about a lot of babies. Especially newborns; they look like gross mini aliens.

Google search: "baby aliens"

Animals are a way better, and more affordable, investment. Babies are really expensive. Child birth is disgusting costly, especially if you don't have health insurance (live free or die!!!). And then you have to pay for their shit for like 18-infinity years. But cats, for example, are wicked cheap (unless you're worried about their emotional well-being because you moved into a tiny apartment with relatively no windows so you shower them with gifts and catnip every day).


I saw a woman WALKING HER CHILD ON A LEASH the other day, and all I could think was, if you wanted to walk something on a leash, why didn't you just buy a dog? Or adopt one? Or take one from one of the homeless people in Harvard Square who a) have pets and b) beat them in public (by the way, is there anyone I can call about this?).

Consider this: a child may or may not like you, but a dog almost always will. Also, a dog is way cuter than a baby and you can cuddle with it. You don't have to worry about smothering it in the middle of the night because it will get up and walk away. Babies can't even walk! Yet. Or whatever. Anyway, dogs are better than babies is what I'm saying. Okay, so maybe your dog sucks. Well guess what? You can get rid of it and get a new one much more easily than a baby. You also can pick it out from the start.  You want a brown dog? You can have one! You can't necessarily have a brown baby unless you plan really carefully and sometimes that doesn't even work out (see: Michael Jackson).


  1. PREACH about those Harvard Sq idiots. Also how did they get those dogs? And why is it so expensive for me to adopt one? Dont give them shit.

  2. OMG my entire office literally heard my laughter outbursts. We kinda think about everything the same way! Not lying.

  3. That's wonderful to hear, especially since I'm right about pretty much everything. ;)

  4. Falling in love again, for the first time? Of course I am. I heart you so hardcore.


I would love to hear your comments unless you're an international spammer. Sorry.