Monday, December 19, 2011

Kill a plover, feed a child.

I am absolutely terrified of pigeons. They are fucking disgusting. This morning, I literally cried on the sidewalk because a flock of them flew at my face. I looked over and noticed one of my coworkers watching me and it dawned on me that maybe I was being a little dramatic, but come on. Those things are vile; they're foul*.

I'm going to throw up.

It's not really just pigeons, though. I pretty much hate all birds (with the exception of penguins because those things are fucking adorable). But most birds are heinous, godless creatures. I blame Noah. He screwed up big time. 

Once, some kid asked me to list my top three most-hated birds**so here they are:

1. pigeons
2. piping plovers
3. geese

Don't even get me started on piping plovers. If you have ever been to the Cape, you probably already know how they ruin people's lives. Entire beaches are roped off because of them. I don't give a fuck about plovers. Doesn't anyone remember Darwin?

The thing about birds is that they have no compassion. They would kill you if they had the chance. Kill you.  I used to "run" at the reservoir in Brighton and the geese would chase after me with a vengeance. They had blood on their minds. Imagine being attacked and pecked to death by a goose? If you're not careful, that's a real possibility. I'm just saying, people are afraid of terrorists and these things are literally living in your back yard. 

I love this joke and I'm going to continue making it over and over again. 
** His response to this was: "You have a very distinct personality." Still wondering what that means.


  1. Your title caught my eye because I have always thought...Kill two [thousand] birds [Plovers] with one stone... opens the beach and feeds the hungry!

  2. Yes! That's exactly what I was going for.

  3. I was just introduced to your blog by my cousin. And this post has made me officially fall in love with you. Birds serve no purpose and need to be exterminated. Immediately.

  4. I don't know who you are, but I like you a lot.

  5. I'm Stephanie's cousin. She shared your link on Facebook a week or so ago.

  6. I saw someone pulling a 9 year old(ish) kid in a bike trailer not too long ago, and talked shit, and the person I was with was all, "That kid may be disabled." So, I just thought I'd be the asshole to pass along that bit of wisdom.

  7. oo valid point. good thing we know kind people to put us in our place.


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