Thursday, December 15, 2011

"I get this whole lane!"

I cannot stand bikers.  

I'm sorry if you are one. I'm sorry because I don't like you and a lot of other people don't either. I know that you're being environmentally friendly and healthy and whatever, but you're all assholes. That's a sweeping generalization. But also fact.

I just want to know why you and your cronies think that not one rule of the road applies to you. I want to know why I have to stop in the middle of a fucking cross-WALK for you to ride by me. Every time that happens (which is pretty much every day), I want to body check you. I want to see you fall off your bike and scrape your knee. I want to be a playground bully. 

The other day when some idiot biker decided to not stop at a cross-walk, I saw this woman run up to him and start clapping in his face. It was sort of like she was giving him applause, but angrily. Like she was congratulating him for being a dick-hole. It was an interesting tactic; I wish I thought of it myself. 

Today, I saw some woman pulling her ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD son in a cart on the back of her bike. I watched her struggle furiously up a hill.  She looked miserable. I wanted to yell at her, "Hello, he's 11. He can fucking walk or ride his own damn bike, you idiot." But I didn't. Because the last thing I want is another biker on the road. Or the sideWALK, more than likely.

Anyway, although this woman had absolutely no impact on my day whatsoever, she still annoyed me. I know that's wrong. I know that's a bad attitude to have. And I also know that most of these sentiments can be applied to walkers and drivers as well. But walkers and drivers collectively dislike bikers, so that's 2 against 1. We win. 


  1. hahahaha whole foods is CORPORATE

  2. I pretty much hit a biker the other day in my car. oops?

  3. As a former cyclist (just had my bike stolen), I resent this article and will be boycotting this site, effective immediately.


  4. Mike, I thought of you the whole time I wrote this. I love you. You're an exception?

  5. As a non-cyclist who recently witnessed an innocent (and cute) female runner being DEGRADED (by some porcine fuck) for not "wah-kin on the sideWAHHK," I am also boycotting this site. For its intolerance of individuals who prefer to move through the city at a slightly amplified pace without being hit by a god damn car. Nimbleness > Naysaying.

  6. I think we can still partially agree. As a non-driver, I would like to be able to walk through the city at a reasonable pace without being hit by a car or a bike.

  7. i wish you got the name and number of that wagon-carting mom. i like the idea of having a chauffeur.


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