So, I would describe my bus ride home today as subpar at best. Actually, I think a more accurate description would be terrifying. This is because a couple moments after I got on the bus so did a man whom I would diagnose a schizophrenic with a touch of Tourette's. He ascended the bus shouting, "shit! fuck! cunt!" and, although there was plenty of seating in the back of the bus, he opted to stand directly in front of me for the duration of my 20 minute ride home. I was pleased with this choice. Especially since, despite his respectable appearance, which included a black cafe-chic turtle neck, he carried with him a repugnant odor.
Tourettic outburst aside, when he began his nonsensical monologue, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was using some sort of blue tooth device as he was having an in-depth, one-sided argument. (Note to self: never use a blue tooth device if for no other reason than the fact that strangers will assume you're a schitzophrenic.) I shot him furtive glances, because there was no fucking way I'd look this man in the eye, and came to the conclusion that there was no blue tooth device involved. While I was more or less petrified of this man, I found his conversation pretty amusing. It started with a rant about gift cards and how he'd been selling them all day: "Fucking gift cards, cunt, shit." Then it progressed to someone slamming the door in his face: "Can you believe it? Slamming a fucking door in a the face of a hard working man." After he got over having a door slammed in his face, he reverted back to the topic of giftcards: "Do you have a gift card I can have? Thank you. Fucking shit." The whole time he was talking, I was thinking about how I should give him the Wendy's gift card that has been sitting in my purse for weeks. I decided that was probably a bad idea and instead silently prayed to myself that he would get off before my stop. Thankfully, my wish was granted. Upon exiting the bus, he yelled at everyone to "watch his fucking leg." Once he was off and the bus's doors were closed, I'm pretty sure I heard a unanimous sigh of relief. The bus driver looked at me and said, "you have to have a lot of patience to have this job" and, because I'm egocentric, I thought to myself, "I have to have a lot of patience to ride your fucking bus."
During my walk home, I briefly regretted my decision to sell my car and rely on public transportation for the next year until I remembered that driving through the city would turn me into the schitzophrenic with tourrettes as I'd constantly be shouting "fucking, shit, cunt" alone in my car at all the terrible drivers around me.