Tuesday, October 14, 2008

my friend in korea: wanna know the funniest thing about korea?
me: yes, yes i do
my friend in korea: they believe, i mean really believe, that if you sleep in a room with the windows and doors closed and a fan on, you will DIE
me: haha wait why?
my friend in korea: can't figure that out. they say you'll suffocate - like it will create a vortex and suck up the oxygen. this is widely believed, reported on the news
me: i do this literally every night - since i was like 8 1/2.
my friend in korea: yeah i know like why hasnt one korean just tried it? and been like "fuck you guys im not dead." i think i should go on tv like david blaine and defy death.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

All Aboard the Public Transit

So, I would describe my bus ride home today as subpar at best. Actually, I think a more accurate description would be terrifying. This is because a couple moments after I got on the bus so did a man whom I would diagnose a schizophrenic with a touch of Tourette's. He ascended the bus shouting, "shit! fuck! cunt!" and, although there was plenty of seating in the back of the bus, he opted to stand directly in front of me for the duration of my 20 minute ride home. I was pleased with this choice. Especially since, despite his respectable appearance, which included a black cafe-chic turtle neck, he carried with him a repugnant odor.

Tourettic outburst aside, when he began his nonsensical monologue, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was using some sort of blue tooth device as he was having an in-depth, one-sided argument. (Note to self: never use a blue tooth device if for no other reason than the fact that strangers will assume you're a schitzophrenic.) I shot him furtive glances, because there was no fucking way I'd look this man in the eye, and came to the conclusion that there was no blue tooth device involved. While I was more or less petrified of this man, I found his conversation pretty amusing. It started with a rant about gift cards and how he'd been selling them all day: "Fucking gift cards, cunt, shit." Then it progressed to someone slamming the door in his face: "Can you believe it? Slamming a fucking door in a the face of a hard working man." After he got over having a door slammed in his face, he reverted back to the topic of giftcards: "Do you have a gift card I can have? Thank you. Fucking shit." The whole time he was talking, I was thinking about how I should give him the Wendy's gift card that has been sitting in my purse for weeks. I decided that was probably a bad idea and instead silently prayed to myself that he would get off before my stop. Thankfully, my wish was granted. Upon exiting the bus, he yelled at everyone to "watch his fucking leg." Once he was off and the bus's doors were closed, I'm pretty sure I heard a unanimous sigh of relief. The bus driver looked at me and said, "you have to have a lot of patience to have this job" and, because I'm egocentric, I thought to myself, "have to have a lot of patience to ride your fucking bus."

During my walk home, I briefly regretted my decision to sell my car and rely on public transportation for the next year until I remembered that driving through the city would turn me into the schitzophrenic with tourrettes as I'd constantly be shouting "fucking, shit, cunt" alone in my car at all the terrible drivers around me.

Monday, September 22, 2008

My Skin is Paper-thin

I recently had the worst experience at Dunkin Donuts. I was late (as usual) to meet my sister yet obviously still stopped to get a coffee. My lack of punctuality of course did not give me the right to be impatient; however, had I had hours of free time, I still would have wanted to shoot this man in the head. Perhaps I should have felt sorry for him as he was clearly experiencing early stages of Alzheimer's, but I did not, as I rarely feel sympathy or compassion for others.

As I neared the parking lot, I saw that the drive-thru line was piling into the street. Thinking it would save me time, I decided to actually get out of my car and go inside (this I normally oppose to as I generally like to limit human contact as much as possible). There was only one other person inside the Dunkin Donuts - an old man slowly nearing the counter. First, he ordered an ice tea "to go" with lemon and milk on the side. Many things puzzled me about this order: first, that he thought it necessary to specify that the beverage was "to go" as if there were more than one way to receive a drink at Dunkin Donuts. Second, that he wanted his milk on the side, which meant that the cashier had to give him two cups - one for the actual drink and one to hold the milk. Clearly, I immediately disapproved of this man, and my distaste for him steadily grew as he moved on to his second transaction. After he paid for his ice tea "to go," he asked the cashier to add $10 to his gift card. The boy behind the counter did so and handed the man a receipt to show the money had been added. The man glanced at the slip briefly and started arguing with the cashier that he did it wrong. So of course the boy had to go through step by step how he added the money to the guy's card, which, after minutes of negotiation, the man decided to accept. During this time, I questioned why the gift card was even necessary since the man never actually used it. People started lining up behind me as the man moved on to his third consecutive transaction. This time, he ordered a small coffee, paid for it (in cash), and then asked for the cashier to put it in a bag. He wanted his coffee in a fucking bag. I couldn't hold back my aggravation at this point and started complaning under my breath (under my breath actually means outloud so most people could hear but still passive-aggresively). After the cashier put the coffee in a bag, the man said "where's my blueberry muffin?" Um, you never ordered a fucking blueberry muffin! I screamed in my head along with, I'm sure, everyone else in the building. 15 minutes and four transactions later, the man finally packed up his things in multiple bags and moved on to a table. Again, I was puzzled since he had to emphasize about 490 times that he needed his ice tea "to go" and then opted to eat in. 

bring it on

so these are the later years.

for those of you who knew me during the early years, please keep my identity under wraps as i can't afford to be fired from my job because of my unceasing criticism and politically incorrect anecdotes, which will inevitably elicit hate-mail.

get excited.

i'm back.

While You Were Driving

This morning, my bus suddenly came to a screeching halt causing me to completely fall into the guy standing next to me and touch him in some inappropriate areas. It was kind of like one of those movies where the girl falls into the guy on a bus and blushes and then they start dating and a few weeks down the line one of them finds out that the other has a dark secret so then they get into a fight and then one of them decides to escape from the whole situation and runs off to the airport and then the other one goes to that person's friend and says "Where's that person?" and he/she says "Oh, you didnt hear? That person's moving to [some place located across the country and/or world]. His/her flight leaves in an hour." So then this person rushes to the airport, probably causing a lot of mayhem in the streets of a trendy city, gets there in the nick of time, somehow magically bypasses security (while some innocent mother of three is being frisked because she just happened to be the fourth person in line), reaches the other person just as he/she is about to step onto the plane. Then, they confess their love for each other and decide they can get over the dark secret and they live happily ever after (all with no concern about the fact that one of them spent hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket that will never be refunded). Yeah, it was kind of like that except slightly different: I fell into a small foreign man who said "is okay," blushed, and then made a conscious effort to avoid eye contact for the rest of the ride.